Mustache FAQ -- To Be Updated Semi-Regularly:
Q: What's the deal with that gap where there clearly should be 'stache?
A: In what leading medical scientists are calling a case of "magic," I appear to lack the capacity to grow hair in what should be the heart of my mustache. This is most likely because the gap serves as a demilitarized zone to keep apart the warring factions that are the opposing sides of my mustache. Alternatively, my 'stache may simply be proving that I am, in fact, so Jewish that I can't even begin to grow the Hitler portion of a mustache.
Q: Can't you afford a new piece of paper every day with $3,000?
A: My photographer insists on using the same piece of paper repeatedly. I am silently protesting this, but I am at the mercy of his mighty camera. Also, should I go against his wishes, he has 30 or so siblings ready to brutalize me on a moment's notice. So I'd like to avoid that if at all possible.
Q: What does Lisa think of the monstrosity on your face?
A: They say that the key to any successful relationship is bribery so, as such, Lisa will be paid a consultant's fee of $1,000 should I win the bet. She has also graciously agreed to bail me out of jail if I'm mistaken for a pedophile somewhere along the way.
Q: You call that a mustache? My mother grows more hair on her upper lip than you.
A: This bet came on the heels of me shaving my beard...people seem to have assumed that my facial hair growing abilities are evenly distributed across my face. As it happens, my mustache looks like that of a kid who doesn't know better than to shave. This inside information was a key advantage throughout the bet negotiation process.
Q: Do your co-workers really dislike you?
A: Who knows. But for $3000, it's quite hard to care. Let's just say this is an arrangement where all parties benefit.
Q: $3000!? Will your co-workers pay me to grow a handsome stache like yours?
A: Absolutely not. However, should you choose to grow one in solidarity with my quest for mustachy glory, I would not oppose. Especially if you're a woman.
Q: Is your boss OK with you looking like a child molester at work?
A: My boss is a leading contributor to the "Consortium of 'Stache Cash." He matched the highest bidder involved in the bet and is, coincidentally, the person most amused by the mustache proceedings thus far.